About faith...

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It's Kate here, signing in with some late-night reflections... :)

With all of the supportive notes pouring into both Chad's and my email inboxes (thanks, everyone!), we're received quite a few comments about our faith in this process. It got me to thinking (something you get to do a lot of during middle-of-the-night feedings!)...

There are those moments in your life that stand out as mountain-top faith experiences...most often happening during the valley-of-circumstances times. One of those for me was walking through the end-of-life stuff with my own mom. In the midst of that time, there was one particular night where I felt -- more tangibly than I have ever felt before -- the presence of the Holy Spirit whispering "Do you trust me?" It took me literally hours of on-my-face worship, significant crying, and wrestling with God as I sat in my Houston apartment alone to finally choke out the words, "I trust You." Instantaneous peace...instantaneous end of tears. Not that there haven't been many tears since, but it was a huge turning point for me, both in that situation, as well as my relationship with God.

The song "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman (Google it if you haven't heard it) has been probably the most significant worship song for me throughout the last 7 years. It comes from the words of Job in the end of the very first chapter of that hard-to-process book of the Bible -- Job has just lost most of his material possessions and much of his family:

²⁰ At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship ²¹ and said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."

The lyrics of the worship song say, "You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your name..."

Every time I sing it or hear it, the word "choose" jumps out of the song and into my heart and mind. It is a continuous choice to trust the Lord, and say in faith "Blessed be Your name." I get that opportunity in a million small ways every day...and sometimes, like this, in very significant, more difficult ways.

I have said, "I trust You" in the midst of holding an inconsolable baby in the middle of the night last Thursday, when I couldn't understand what was developing on her little face...and I said, "I trust You" during that awful drive to Danville on Friday, when I kept prodding Julia to make sure she was still breathing. And, like Chad posted for himself earlier this week, my response has also changed throughout the years from "I trust You to fix my circumstances" to "I'll trust You and praise You on the other side of this, whatever the outcome". I think that's the essence of the reality if Jesus is truly your Lord, as well as your Savior.

I continue to learn how poorly I make this decision in the small, everyday arena...but am reminded during (and even grateful for!) these difficult seasons where things come back into focus a little more clearly.

I have made the analogy to Chad that I think it's sometimes really sad to hear old sports legends in interviews talk about that "one play"or "one game" that continues to define their lives. Nothing since has been greater, and they have spent years -- sometimes decades -- talking about and re-living that moment, in whatever way they can.

I think we can often do that with faith. Those mountain-top experiences in our past can become idols in themselves, as we share them with others as the pinnacle time in our faith walk with God. So as much as that initial, profound moment of choosing to deliberately and intentionally trust God in the midst of heartbreaking circumstances will always stand out to me as a defining moment, I don't want it to be THE moment of my faith journey. I hope and pray that I will continue to have many more moments of making that decision -- even though it means there will be many more valleys to walk through ahead.

Lord, You give and You take away. My heart will choose to say "Blessed be Your name."

So that's that. :) And now, in the words of a beloved friend from college, I am going to "let sleep be my prayer..."
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